Monday, 14 October 2013

Monday Reflection

I have no idea what is spawning this post.  Maybe a combination of procrastination and boredom.  But I was out today with my boyfriend and I got all nostalgic and stuff and decided to blog about it.

So much has changed for me, and it feels like it happened in no time at all.  This time last year, I was in a horrible place.  I was in love with someone who was wrong for me and I clung to that relationship because I was afraid of being lonely.  I was friends with people who didn't love me, didn't even care about me or my feelings, and I clung to that because I was afarid of being alone.  And let's not even talk about my relationship with myself.

Over the next few months, I started to lose my grip on life.  I lost myself trying to hide from all the bad things around me, instead of just cutting out the toxicity,  I don't like to think about that time because I can feel echoes of how I felt then and I am afraid of it.  It is a big, black hole in my past and I am terrified of falling back into it.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sympathetic to me, I don't want you to feel bad for me in any way.  But I do want you to know that it does get better, as cliche as it may sound.  Things do slowly get better.  I started by breaking up with the boy who made me so happy and yet simultaneously so miserable.  And that was rough.  But eventually things started to get better.  And even though we tried to stay friends, I learned to not be sad when that failed.  It was hard and I still feel sad about it sometimes, but more time goes by between the days when I think about him.

I started to drift away from the people who didn't care about me too.  I didn't cut out everyone, and only a few did I cut outcompletely, but I decided to be with people who loved me as I was, as weird as I may be.  And that was hard.  But I did it.  I made it through.

And here I am now.  Even though things can still be hard, the bad days are getting further and further apart.  I am not happy every second but I am happier than I was.  I can deal with feeling sad too, I am not paralyzed by it as I was before.  I am driven by my passions, not by my feelings (or lack thereof).

So please know things get better.  They have for me.  Today I was driving through the valley, looking at all of the trees in their flaming fall colours.  I drove past the house I grew up in and the neighbors I used to know and I felt a stab of sadness and nostalgia in my heart, but I remembered how happy I was back then and I know that I want to be that happy again.

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